


The War against Mr. Blacks Coffee

by Lindzzz



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Coffeeshop AU, I am incapable of writing anything without snark, Jack is a bratty barista, M/M, Pitch is an asshole lawyer, Pitchner actually has the most ridiculous crush on this kid, Pre-Slash, but as always, hateflirting, he is bad at everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindzzz/pseuds/Lindzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a fandom in possession of slash, must be in want of a coffeeshop AU.</p><p>aka: I am really bad at telling my tumblr anon's "no"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The War against Mr. Blacks Coffee

Jack groans as the little bell, also known as the bane of his life, chimes cheerily. Right on the dot, five minutes before close.

It was like clockwork. Regular customers don’t really come at 9PM, no one comes to coffee at 9PM. But for the past five months, right before they finally lock the doors, Mr. Pitchner Fucking Black will stride in on his ridiculous giraffe legs and perfectly tailored black suit as if he goddamn owns the place.

Jack is at his wits end with this guy. He has gotten permission to stage full on war to get him to go away. And he keeps coming BACK. He’s like particularly gangly herpes and Jack has made sure to tell him so on several occasions. But at least three times a week he’ll waltz in to abuse Jack, Jack will mess up his order in some new way, he’ll yell at Jack for being unable to do even the most menial and demeaning job in existence, then storm back out with his messed up coffee.

Maybe this time it’s some other asshole who thinks its ok to walk into a shop five minutes before they close. Jack would love to have some new variation of coffee to spit in. Maybe-

“They still haven’t fired you Jackson?”

Jack grits his teeth and lets out a slow breath. It’s been a long day, he’s tired, he just wants to go home, and he really does not want to deal with douchebags who apparently cannot function without making someone else miserable. He pastes on his biggest, shittiest grin as he spins around, feigning shock.

“Why! Mr. Black! What a SURPRISE to see you! That doctor must have been lying, he SWORE the cream would work if I just put it on regularly, yet here you are! That bastard! You just can’t get good medical service these days, am I right? Maybe I should sue him, you know ALL about that!”

Mr. Black does not look impressed. Jack does not care. “Just give me my coffee Jackson, maybe this time you’ll actually figure out how to make a half decent cup and I can actually call it coffee.”

“You know, I would love to, really I would. But I’m afraid we are just FRESH out of hatred today Mr. Black! Right out! I know, it’s horrid. You come in here all the time just wanting your nice dose of regular hatred and loathing for the world and I am usually happy to accommodate! But we just ran out!”

“What.” Mr. Black is the only man Jack knows who can say “what” without it being a question. He thinks it may be a lawyer thing.

“Which means I am NOT in the mood for your bullshit today Mr. Black!” Jack says cheerily. He ignores the look Aster shoots him from where he’s wiping down tables. The guy was never able to accept that the professional language rule does not apply to Pitchner Black.

“Oh! Excellent! Then perhaps for once you can just shut up and make my coffee!”

Jack huffs and snatches up the biggest cup they have, because Mr. Black always orders a medium. “Will that be one or two cups of sugar?”

The man actually has the grace to look a little ashamed, Jack really has no problem with people who like their coffee sweet, but for some reason Mr. Black is under the impression that evil lawyers don’t do anything sweet. “I’ll have it black.”

“Of COURSE you will.” Jack mutters, filling half the cup with creamer. He used to make “Fucking up Mr. Blacks Coffee” a work of art. Messing up just enough to see if the ass would notice. That was how The War started after all. Black had always been the most ridiculously anal customer they had ever had and was a common terror in the shop. Jack’s first interaction with the guy was when the coffee he had made was slammed down in front of him and he found himself being reamed for DARING to use one percent instead of skim milk.

As if the ass could actually NOTICE the difference and as if his slim figure really needed to worry about calories.

After that he started seeing what he could get away with. Sweet n’ low instead of equal. Espresso that had sat out JUST a little bit too long. He got away with using decaf instead of regular coffee for a month before he got caught. But the actual declaration of War was over sugar. He had been tired that night too, and wasn’t surprised when he once again, found Mr. Blacks coffee slammed onto the counter in front of him with a snarl of how he had ordered two, not one, teaspoons of sugar in it.

Jack was ready to do the usual song and dance of “Yes Mr. Black sorry Mr.Black” that he had been told to do. But then he looked down and the half the fucking coffee had been drunk. He had stared up incredulously into a small, smug smile and that asshole was doing this ON PURPOSE. He managed to keep himself together enough to calmly stare him right in the eye as he slowly reached for the sugar and the biggest scoop they had. And kept eye contact as he dumped about two cups of sugar into what had been a decent cup of coffee. 

Subtlety was over from that moment on. He didn’t even try to hide his altercations to Black’s order after that.

And that’s the other thing; Mr. Black can SEE what he’s doing. He could SEE it when Jack poured five types of flavoring and on one memorable occasion, hot sauce, into his cup. He stood at the counter the whole time sometimes making disapproving noises as if he was JUDGING Jack’s ability to fuck up coffee in the most spectacular manner. And every time he would simply wait until the coffee was put in front of him and THEN will start abusing Jack for being unable to do his job.

“Really Jack I sometimes wonder if your coffee is a metaphor for your life in general.”

Jack grits his teeth; the guy is on a roll tonight.

“Full of surprises?”

“I was thinking more that it always manages to be an amazingly memorable fuck up.” And he’s actually GRINNING as he says it.

Jack nearly crushes the flimsy paper cup. That is it. He’s had enough. He may not have some fancy over-muscled car, a swank condo, or multi-thousand dollar suits but he has worked HARD for his tiny studio apartment, which he can at least say is a place of his own. He is paying for his own tuition, he’s working over 45 hours a week and STILL finding time to volunteer and mentor Jaime. And he is officially done with this douchebag talking to him like he’s trash. The War against Mr. Black may have started out fun but Jack is ready to bring this to an end. It’s time to drop the bomb. 

He wonders if his face gives something away because Mr. Black’s usual smug grin slowly drops to a bemused frown. The guy looks honestly confused as Jack glowers at him, clutching his half-creamer-half-coffee catastrophe.

“Well, I always try for spectacular” Jack says calmly.

Then he dumps the whole thing down the front of Mr. Black’s very fancy, very expensive, and definitely silk, suit.

**Author's Note:**

> what the hell have I done I'm still working on the Evil Boyfriends.
> 
> Entirely a fault of one anon who asked for coffeeshop!AU and then Sammiches and I spent about two days talking about it.
> 
> Pitchner is actually having the time of his life this is how he relaxes at the end of the day. Favorite things to do: make clients cry, harass that adorable barrista kid.
> 
> EDIT: FOR THOSE WHO WANT MORE! I'm putting this series on the backburner for a bit while I work more on Evil Boyfriends. BUT!!! BUT BUT BUT! Sammiches and I are posting our chatlogs which is pretty much were all the magic happens and where this thing was born. Also uh, it gets REALLY nsfw so for those after that. Here ya go.
> 
> http://linddzz.tumblr.com/tagged/rise-of-the-coffeeshop


End file.
